Rules of Soccer at School (NOT!)

Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and
lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing
of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these
periods,play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on
the "bottle" of the participants.

There is a sliding scale from those who hasten to leave as soon as the
bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the
time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G &
T's and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to
those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically
retrieve them, known as "nutters".

It is important, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of
poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a
sustained period of play is not totally nullified by a five-minute
post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one.

The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match
is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play.

PARAMETERS The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt
piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink
throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the
prevailing weather.

It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out
across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went
"over the post" and is thus disallowed.

In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is
observed as being slightly above head height, regardless of the height
of the keeper.

The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water
hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger
has to go before the pursuing defender gives up.

At free kicks, the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of
players eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to
"yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the
ball.

TACTICS Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team
formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to
circumstance - from e.g. 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is
usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.

STOPPAGES Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured
players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game
flows more freely, with play continuing around or even on top of
participant who has fallen - or more likely been pushed - over.

Other stoppages: 1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The
retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most
prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb
and six of the best to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire
in order to return to play. Disputes usually arise between the player
who actually struck the ball and any others it may have struck before
disappearing into forbidden territory.

2. Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually steal
the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves,
occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them.
Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick
restart.

3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street
or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed,
ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array
of failures that has been her life to nine-year olds who have committed
the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death.
Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to
play with it properly".

CELEBRATION Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards
with their hands in the air. But making it 34-12 does not entitle the
player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross.

A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket (actually
eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not
full-size pitch") will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire
team and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the
midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "***ing
poacher" from the opposing defence. "****ing goal-hanger" is the
preferred alternative.

Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into
the goal will elicit a bust nose from the original striker. Kneeling
down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already
beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.

PENALTIES At senior level, each side often has one appointed
penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances,
such as his requiring one more for a hat trick. In the playground the
best player usually takes the penalties but he may defer to the 'best
fighter' or if the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be
invited to take penalties.

Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties.

CLOSE SEASON This is known also as the Summer Holidays, when the players
dabble briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while
Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open;
and cricket for about an hour and a half until they reckon it really is
as boring playing as it is to watch.